Sail On!

They almost sent Mom back home to us from the hospice hospital. She had stabilized and we had two discharge planning meetings. Equipment was slated to be brought back to my house. And then she destabilized and began to fail a bit, and they could justify keeping her.

She has been there for 8 weeks now, and the end of this long journey is in sight. She is taking almost nothing by mouth any more. They are keeping her very calm and comfortable--you may remember that her agitation was the biggest challenge to keeping her home. And even as she has been getting increasingly weak, she would still become very agitated. They have been giving her Haldol to control her mood.

I saw her yesterday and fed her a tiny bit of chocolate ice cream that I brought from home. Even though she keeps her eyes closed and looks to be asleep, she does respond appropriately. "Delicious," she said, and then "that's enough."

I spoke into her good ear, telling her that the dogwood is in bloom and everything is in flower and so green. I told her that moving to the town where I grew up was "a really good idea." "That was a very smart thing to do," I told her in the hope of validating her impulse of self preservation way back in 1933 when she left home as a 16 year old. She got away from her dysfunctional family, and by so doing, she recreated herself, gained financial footing, and finally at the age of 40 had me, her first and only child, and gave me a beautiful life of books and music and education and an appreciation of the natural world and family security.

I'll be writing her obituary soon, along with some words to be read at her funeral. I've been piecing together her life story from a trove of letters, diaries, and documents that she has carefully preserved all these years. Her precious life story, waiting for someone to comprehend and appreciate it: what she went through, what she overcame, how she triumphed through her iron will. Talk about forcing solutions! Her entire existence was one big forced solution to the problems she left behind when she went to live in with another family as a "house girl" and never lived home with her family again--a family that was in chaos and crisis due to pressures brought on by the Great Depression and a mentally unbalanced mother, who was soon to be institutionalized and live the rest of her life--over 25 years--in a state mental hospital.

From 16 on my mother figured it out as she went along, worked with what she had, took things as they came, and never gave up or surrendered to circumstances.

I am struggling to know what to say as a eulogy. She wouldn't want her long difficult history exposed for everyone to see. Maybe the final picture that she owned fair and square: of a stable home, marriage in the Church, a well cared for, legitimate child, financial security--that's what she fought for and won. That's what she would want celebrated.

One evening, before she went to the hospice, I was reviewing her many successes for her and reviewing her all she had accomplished financially. She was addled and in and out of touch with reality, but I think I was clear. As a way of summing up, I knew she would like it, so I said something like, "that's a lot of berries to pick!" and she smiled a big, wry smile. There were times during her childhood when the family lived on the pennies she and her sisters earned by picking and selling berries.

It's quiet here at my house. Dana is still doing very well, living alone in the house of my late mother-in-law. She has, with her doctor's knowledge, gone off her Lithium and Topomax and is on just Celexa (having switched off the Lexapro about a month ago). She seems to be okay. I am encouraged that she has taken this step on her own, taking charge of her health in this way. We don't see her or hear from her every day, and at times we have seen her somewhat agitated with a frustrating situation, but she seems to figure it out. We all take it one day at a time and don't look too far down the road, because there's no telling what's ahead.

Marcy finishes up her college year on Wednesday--then she will be a senior! One of us will go up and help move her things home. She'll be home for the rest of May and all of June and then she will go to France for 8 weeks on a fellowship she received through her college. We'll figure that all out next week; she is in charge of the details.

Phil is very busy writing and revising books he has contracted. A book he has coming out this summer and was apprehensive about has garnered some nice pre-publication praise, so he is encouraged.

I have been transcribing this archive of my mother's letters and putting them in chronological order, watching the story unfold. There are so many dramatic and salacious elements! I'm also researching the various characters on a well-know family research site that I have joined for a year--you know the one (I don't want to draw links to my blog, so I won't say their name out loud). It is worth it; I have found all sorts of missing pieces. It will lead me where it wants to go.

I also have had what are to me an earth-shattering, life changing health discoveries. If you've been reading for a while you know I've been suffering with all-over aches and pains, stiff joints, numb arms, etc., and last year I spent a fortune on MRIs and neurologists. The other day I saw my doctor and showed him my knuckles, which are getting weirdly lumpy and painful now. He tells me to take 3 ibuprofen at once, per day and says he'll check my uric acid levels. I know uric acid implies GOUT! an old fat, drunk man's disease of the big toe. I go home, I take the ibuprofen (he says 3 tablets is "prescription strength"), and my pain melts away so significantly that I feel as though I've had a drink. Euphoric, I look up uric acid on WebMD. Almost everything I am taking in terms of supplements--FISH OIL, EXTRA NIACIN in a B vitamin complex, and DAILY ASPIRIN THERAPY--plus my medical chronic condition of HYPOTHYROIDISM all cause retention of uric acid! Also OATMEAL, which I eat by the bushel because I believe it to be good for me, which it would normally be, except for all these other factors! Unbelievable! Have I been giving myself gout? I cannot wait to get the results of the blood work, let me tell you. Holy Kamoly. Freaking gout. If that is what has been making me miserable for all this time, wow. Sardines, mackerel, and anchovies are the fish to avoid if you have a uric acid problem. Guess what's in the fish oil capsules I take 2 or 3 times every day? Exactly. If changing around a few things helps me feel better, I'm all for it--but how do things get this far without somebody noticing that if I'm hypothyroid I probably shouldn't be pounding fish oil and B vitamins?????

Mom will probably make it to her 94th birthday on Friday, May 13. That tough old heart, beating since 1917. She is my Ship of State!